In this new series, I invite you to send me any questions you have about relationships, feelings and emotions, attachment, and therapy. This month, I answer a question that I get asked by many of my clients:
“I’ve always had problems opening up with partners and being honest with them about my feelings which, no surprise, has led to problems in my relationships. Is it too late for me to change my ways?”
In my experience, the main reason that people have problems with being open with their partners is fear. Often, it’s a fear of revealing what’s perceived to be a weak or vulnerable side to their character which they worry their partners won’t like. Or it’s fear of being rejected or feeling shame for honestly expressing themselves.
Even the most trusting partners can keep truths about their feelings locked up inside because opening up feels like such a scary prospect.
We can find ourselves asking questions such as, “Why does opening up feel so dangerous to me?” Or “Why don’t I trust my partner enough to open up to them?”
We may try to play down our feelings and emotions, making light of the hurt we feel by making jokes about a serious situation, or over-focusing on our partner’s needs, rather than turning the spotlight onto our own. And when conversations threaten to stray into uncomfortable territory, we get skittish and change the subject. In short, we try to find an escape route. We avoid having to confront or reveal our true feelings.
Yet, when we hold ourselves back, our partners only meet part of us; the safest part, not the truest one.
Why Opening Up Can Be So Difficult
Often, we unknowingly make decisions based on patterns of behavior that were shaped by past experiences in which our caregivers responded badly to our expressing ourselves. Maybe they dismissed our feelings, or got angry, or simply went silent.
We learned that masking our feelings was the safest way to ensure those we relied on did not desert us. As a result, many of us carry that conditioning into adulthood, often without noticing it. We approach relationships by avoiding confrontation and keeping our feelings bottled-up.
We fear that if we reveal our true selves to our partner, they’ll react badly, stop loving us, or leave. We worry that they’ll find something in us that they don’t like, and it will change how they see us. As a result, we never learn that sharing more authentically can actually benefit us and our relationships.
Patterns can Change, With Practice
The good news is that these default settings, the ones shaping how we attach and how we love, can be changed.
It’s never too late to rewire these patterns, but it requires work and practice. It means going against our early conditioning and doing something different; revealing sides of ourselves we’ve long kept hidden, expressing core feelings, needs and desires we’ve been afraid to name.
If we fear rejection, we need to experience our partner staying. If we fear being shamed, we need evidence that they won’t think less of us when they see who we really are. Of course, our partners play a big role in how these experiences unfold. They may come up against their own limitations and have a hard time adjusting. But, if we can stay at it over time, things can change.
Leaning in requires us to take a risk and see our way through. To trust that, whatever happens, we can find a way. It may be shaky, but, if we stay at it, we’ll become stronger and, as a result, so may our relationship. Each time we do this, we diminish the impact of our long-held fears and dispel their power.
How to Change
Start small. Frequent moments of honesty make the next one feel less risky, and they signal to our partner that we’re aiming for more connection, which invites them to do the same.
There’s bound to be anxiety with this process. We’re doing something new and different. So it’s important to stay centered and present, and to express our truth in a way our partner can actually hear. Use “I” statements rather than referring to something about them. For example:
Instead of “You never ask how I’m doing,” try “I’ve been feeling a bit invisible lately.”
Instead of “You make me feel like I can’t bring things up,” try “I get nervous about bringing things up, and I’m not sure why.”
Instead of “You’re always on your phone,” try “I miss you in the evenings.”
Honesty is the best starting point. Instead of saying we’re fine when we’re not, we can tell our partners the truth about the emotions we’re experiencing, AND that we’re nervous about sharing them. Make it clear that we aren’t necessarily looking for solutions from them, we just want to be heard. We can also share how they can help, what we’d like them to do or say in the moments during and after opening up.
It also helps to get familiar with what discomfort feels like in the body– tightness in the chest, clammy hands, a rapid heart beat. Those sensations don’t mean something is going wrong. Sitting with them gets easier with practice, and so does opening up.
This is gradual work. But over time, the fear takes up less room, and we just may find that we feel closer to our partners and more deeply connected.
