As the end-of-year holidays approach, many of us are making plans to spend time with friends and relatives we haven’t seen all year.
But it’s unlikely we’ll be able to see everyone we’d like to. A friend may have moved far away for work. A family member may now be living abroad. We may not be able to travel as far or as frequently as we used to.
None of this stops us from wanting to connect emotionally with the important people in our lives. That need is wired into us from birth. Emotional closeness, along with the ability to share our feelings, desires, and needs with others, provides a sense of security and safety. When it’s taken away it can have a fundamental, negative impact on our wellbeing.
But although it can be difficult to feel close to people we can’t be with physically, it’s still possible to share a meaningful connection.
How Separation Makes Us Feel
When separated from a loved one, we’re likely to experience a range of emotions, from a gentle ache in our chest when we think about them, to a heartsick emptiness that affects our appetite and disturbs our sleep. These powerful emotions come from not being able to see people we love, share memories, and create new experiences with them in the way we used to. The longing we feel to be with someone can feel a lot like grief.
The Role of Fear
Despite these strong emotions, many of us find it hard to tell loved ones about the impact their absence has on us. We may fear looking vulnerable by admitting that we miss them. We might worry about being overwhelmed by our emotions if we contact them on a video call, for example. Or we might worry that our expression might make the other feel guilty.
This fear may prevent us from leaning into the relationship in a more open and affectionate way. It can stop us from expressing our sadness at their absence, or the love we feel for them. And if we let these fears hijack our ability to be emotionally present, we may miss the chance to connect in a more authentic way.
Bridging the Gap That Separates Us
There may be aspects of our situation that we can’t change, and it’s important to accept that. But we can still be emotionally connected. We just have to work at it a little harder, given the distance.
When we reach out to the people we’re missing, we can make the most of those moments by pressing the pause button and making some room for our feelings.
Opening up may well feel uncomfortable, especially if it’s not something we’re used to doing. We can try to lean into that fear rather than letting it hold us back. And we don’t have to reveal everything at once. We can start small, perhaps by saying, ‘This feels awkward for me to say, but…’ and then take it from there.
Taking a gradual approach often helps us feel more comfortable revealing a little more each time we speak. As the discomfort eases, we may find that our capacity to be emotionally present grows.
We Are In This Together
One final point: it’s worth remembering that the person we’re missing may be missing us too, and feeling the same way. When we share our true feelings with them, we make it easier for them to share theirs. Ultimately, by being open, we strengthen our connection, no matter how many miles apart we are.
