In my line of work, many men come to me desperate to understand why they’re having such a hard time in their relationships. Perhaps the question I get asked the most is, “Why am I acting in a way that’s damaging my relationship with my partner, or my kids or colleagues at work?”
The short answer is that many of us men haven’t developed the tools we need to be successful in long-term relationships. Often, we get defensive, reactive, or pull away and disconnect. Indeed, it can seem that anger is the only emotion that men are comfortable expressing – hardly the recipe for successful relationships, and perhaps one of the reasons why so much of the world is in a mess right now.
Sharing My Own Experience
It took me many years to overcome the fear I had about having, honoring, and expressing my true feelings and to build the deep human connections I had always desired. Much of this stemmed from the anxieties my parents had about being present with and expressing their feelings, and how that impacted me.
While both my mother and father could be very warm at times, it’s fair to say that my father, a former US Marine captain, took a military-based approach to raising his children. One incident sticks in my mind. It happened at breakfast when I was about 4 years old. Without asking, my father had drowned the French toast he’d made me in maple syrup before handing me the plate. I pushed the soggy pieces of toast back and forth as my stomach turned at the prospect of eating it. The more I fussed, the more it irritated my father and eventually I started to cry. He exploded and yelled at me, “Don’t cry. Act like a man!”
Act like a man? I was only four!
Over time, my father’s inability to manage his emotions as well as the fear I had of him exploding or withdrawing, led to me being anxious about honestly expressing myself. This fear stayed with me into adulthood, making me quite anxious about certain feelings and unable to openly express myself, limiting my ability to be connected with myself and others on a deeper level. As a result, my romantic relationships faltered once they got past the initial excitement phase. Whenever tense moments arose, I’d feel insecure and either argue or shut down.
Why Do So Many Men Struggle in their Romantic Relationships?
The trouble is that much of this kind of behavior is triggered without us knowing it, as if we’re on autopilot. Learned early in life, it becomes our reflexive way of responding in relationships.
Many of us received messages about our feelings and developed behaviors that may have worked at the time but, ultimately, aren’t conducive to healthy relationships. We were taught to be strong, not vulnerable or weak. To hide how we feel, not share our emotions. To act quickly without taking and considering the best course of action.
For sure, it’s useful in some situations to act quickly, show strength, not back down, suppress a reaction. But these behaviors don’t serve us well in relationships with others, when we typically have to deal with a range of feelings in order to establish and maintain healthy connections.
What Do We Need to Do to Change?
Given that these behaviors are so engrained in our psyche, it’s understandably challenging to start looking inward and begin to manage our reflexive and emotional responses.
Changing from keeping our emotions locked up to processing them and being more open with our partners, children and colleagues, and revealing more of ourselves doesn’t come easily to many men. But it is how we’re hard-wired and that capacity can be tapped into and cultivated, which is precisely what we need to do to create lasting, fulfilling and loving relationships.
When we’re triggered, we need to employ the techniques of emotional mindfulness that I feature in my books. Briefly, these are recognizing our defenses, attending to our anxiety, then, instead of avoiding our feelings, staying with them, seeing them through to their natural conclusion.
Then, we need to reflect on what our feelings are telling us and how best to respond so we can then share our feelings, needs, and desires with our loved ones. You might feel afraid of doing this, but it’s precisely when we lean in, vulnerability and all, that true connections with others are forged.
It can be challenging to take a new, strange approach that involves opening up to our emotions. But trust me when I say it gets easier with practice.
Never Give up Trying to Change
This world we’re living in right now needs boys and men who can show vulnerability more than ever. We need males who stop and think before making decisions, and who aren’t reactive and defensive and know the difference between healthy assertiveness and aggression.
Learning to be emotionally mindful is the answer. It is not only life changing for you but for those around you.
