This is the twenty-fifth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
You can view the entire series here.
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Learning to Say it With Confidence and Without Fear
“Errr, yes, OK, why not, I’ll go out on a date with you.”
“Yeah, sure. I’m really busy at the moment, but I’ll find room in my schedule for that extra project.”
We’ve all experienced situations in which we’ve wanted to say ‘no’ but instead said the exact opposite. Often, we succumb to the pressure of the moment, or the desire to not want to let other people down.
But sometimes saying yes is unhealthy for us. And being someone who habitually says yes to everything could see us agreeing to situations we’re uncomfortable with and filling up our schedule to such an extent that we lack time to do things we want.
Sometimes saying yes to too many things leaves us overworked and stressed out with no time to give the important things the attention they deserve, and less time to refresh and renew.
So how do we find the confidence to make the right decision at the right time? And how important is it to be true to our emotions in such situations?
The real power here lies in our ability to say yes to things that are right for us, and no to those that aren’t.
We certainly don’t want to become someone that says ‘no’ too often as that will likely lead us to miss out on opportunities in life, perhaps ones that will help us grow personally and develop professionally.
FOSY (fear of saying yes) is linked to the emotions we experience when we’re faced with opportunities that push us outside of our comfort zone.
According to a survey of 2,000 adults in the UK, carried out in 2023, 37% put the fear of saying yes down to a lack of confidence. Again, fear is the underlying factor unduly shaping our responses.
But, sometimes we say yes to things too quickly or on autopilot. We don’t stop to think about our response and this can lead to frustration, confusion and resentment. It can also be bad for our health and wellbeing. Every time you say yes to something out of habit or a sense of obligation, you’re likely saying no to something that’s probably one of your true priorities.
Given this fear of saying yes that some of us experience, it’s no wonder that for many of us, it becomes easier and more comfortable for us to say no.
Not saying yes doesn’t mean saying no
The ability to say no when we need to is crucial to successfully managing our time and conserving our energy. But we can overcome our fear of letting someone down by responding to their questions in a way that keeps our options open.
When someone asks us to do something or go somewhere, we can buy time to think about whether the right answer is yes or no. We can say, ‘I’ll think about it,’ or, ‘I’ll get back to you,’ or ‘let me check if I can do that’. All of these responses avoid having to make those instant decisions that many of us fear, enabling us to keep our options open until we’ve had time to fully consider our response.
Buying time gives us room to think about the consequences of saying either yes or no and puts us in control without getting embroiled in situations that cause us discomfort.
What to do to overcome our fears
Most of us want to push past the fear of saying yes or no on autopilot and give an honest answer more often. To do that we need to practice stepping outside of our comfort zones. We can start with saying yes or no to smaller things – like invites to trips to certain places. The more we say yes to new experiences, and no to things that aren’t right for us, the easier it becomes.
Either way, it’s important to be open and curious about what happens inside of us when we’re honest with ourselves. When we go against the grain and say yes when normally we’d say no (or vice versa), we need to stay with our feelings, not dismiss them. We need to recognize when fear is holding us back. Then, by taking small steps to be more aligned with our truth, we’ll soon find that the discomfort we used to feel disappears and we become more comfortable giving an honest answer that ultimately results in outcomes that are right for us.
