This is the thirteenth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
In part 12 we explored L for Leaning In and you can read the article here.
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Almost any moment of our lives holds the potential for a deeper connection. During a walk, over dinner, while driving somewhere. You can plan such times in advance or be more spontaneous. It all starts with intention.
Facing our Fears
Even with a good deal of preparation, opening up to others may still feel like a scary prospect. It brings us face-to-face with our fear that expressing our feelings will evoke a negative reaction and jeopardize the security of our relationships. But in the end, communicating our feelings is just what is needed to put our fear to rest.
Fortunately, there are things we can do to take the edge off and make it easier to move forward. Although understanding that this fear is a remnant of the past can help diminish its intensity, practicing emotional mindfulness is what will really ease the way.
How to Communicate Mindfully
Stop and intentionally create the time and space to open up
It’s important to disengage from the busyness of your life, and make some room to address, experience, and share your feelings. Without doing this, you’ll keep rolling along right past precious opportunities to connect with others. Or you’ll feel rushed and not give the process its due.
Pay attention to what’s going on in your body
Concentrate on your breathing, mindfully observing your moment-to-moment experience, and simply reminding yourself to slow down. This can help anchor you more fully in the present.
Sense your feet on the ground, your seat in the chair. Notice any and all bodily sensations. Once grounded, pay attention to other aspects of your experience as well. Shift your attention from noticing what’s happening inside you to how the other person is responding, and to what’s transpiring between the two of you.
Repeatedly returning your attention to what’s going on will help you feel more grounded in the here and now and, as a result, feel less inhibited by fear.
Speak slowly and more deliberately
Doing this will help calm you and deepen your connection to yourself. When we’re excited or feeling anxious, it’s common to talk rapidly. When this happens, it’s harder to hold on to our emotional center. It also raises our anxiety.
Slowing down the rate at which we speak gives us more space to feel and reflect mindfully on what we’re saying and, in doing so, allows our expression to truly come from the heart. It’s simple enough to do, yet it can yield powerful results.
Make eye contact
This brings us more directly into the present moment, although it can sometimes feel threatening. We’re afraid of what we’ll see in the other person’s face, so we look away. When we do this, we miss an opportunity to confront and possibly disprove our fear.
So often in my work with couples, when they find the courage to look into each other’s eyes, they’re surprised to see the opposite of what they were expecting. Instead of disdain, they see empathy. Instead of anger, they see vulnerability. Instead of fear, they see compassion.
Making eye contact has other benefits. It makes us feel closer to the other person and helps us get emotionally “in sync.” When we witness someone crying, laughing, or getting angry, on some level we share the experience. We feel what the other person is feeling as well.
Case Study
Nina found an empty table near the back of the coffee shop and took a seat facing the door so that she could see when Maggie arrived. She took a sip of tea and tried to relax.
At first, Nina was relieved to get Maggie’s message suggesting they get together “and talk.” But now, as the moment approached, she felt anxious. She had wanted to talk to Maggie for a while, to let her know how disappointed she’d felt by her not being there for her during such a difficult time, but she had kept putting it off.
Nina looked up and saw Maggie heading toward her. Her heart sped up. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. Here we go, she thought to herself.
It wasn’t long before the initial small talk began to wane. Suddenly they found themselves sitting face-to-face in silence. It was Maggie who gently started the ball rolling. “So . . . I’ve been won-dering if there’s something going on?” she said. “I mean, I don’t know how you feel, but things just haven’t felt right between us.”
“Yeah . . . I know. They haven’t,” Nina admitted, a bit tentative at first. “I . . . I’ve wanted to say something to you but, I don’t know, the longer I didn’t, the harder it got for me to bring it up. And you know how I can just . . .,” Nina almost erupted into a flurry of words, the emotion of the moment about to get away from her, but she stopped herself and tried to slow down.
She sat very still and then looked at Maggie. Her eyes filled up with tears as emotion began to surface. She took a breath and said, “Um, I was really hurt when I had my biopsy and you weren’t there. I mean, you’re my best friend and . . .” Her voice began to break. She looked down, her sadness breaking through, and began to cry.
Maggie extended her hand and touched Nina’s arm. “I’m really sorry,” she said.
Nina looked up, and their eyes met. Maggie looked pained. She had tears in her eyes as well.
“I don’t know what to say.” Maggie continued, “I really don’t have a good excuse. I guess it kind of freaked me out. I mean . . . what would I do if something happened to you?”
“I know. I figured that. But it scared me too. I really needed you then.” Nina looked at Maggie’s face and saw the regret in her eyes. The hurt and anger she felt inside began to fade. “I’ve really missed you,” she said.
“I’ve missed you too.”
Something Better
Opening up may be difficult at first, but you don’t have to do it all at once. You can start small and work up to expressing yourself a little more each time. You can begin by simply acknowledging that you feel vulnerable. You can say, “This feels awkward for me. I’m not used to talking in this way,” and then go from there.
The key to making progress is to try to lean into your discomfort a little more each time. When you start to feel more comfortable, take another step forward. See if you can stretch the moment when you’re making eye contact, sitting in silence, listening to what the other is saying, staying with your feelings or the other person’s feelings. Encourage yourself to be with the experience a little longer each time. Over time, your capacity to open up and mindfully communicate will expand, your fears will lessen, and your connections will deepen.
