This is the twelfth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
In part 10 we explored K for Keeping It Simple and you can read the article here.
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While it may seem counterintuitive, leaning into our discomfort rather than pulling away from it can actually help loosen its grip on us.
When we resist uncomfortable feelings, we inadvertently strengthen our fear response. But by turning toward our discomfort with gentle attention, something shifts. The internal tension begins to loosen, allowing the complex strands of our experience to become clearer and more manageable.
Sharing more of ourselves with our partners can feel uncomfortable. But, it is precisely this discomfort that tells us we’re on the right path. It’s showing us where we’re stuck, where we’ve been holding back. It’s showing us where fear has been getting in our way and thwarting our potential. It’s showing us where opportunity lies.
By finding ways to move through the discomfort, we can show up in our relationships with authenticity. When we express the core feelings, needs, and desires we’ve been afraid to share, we create a pathway toward more emotional health and deeper connection.
One Step At A Time
We don’t have to do it all at once. We can lean into our discomfort and share our feelings a little at a time. When the discomfort eases up a bit, and it will, we can lean in a little further and share a bit more. We can use our mindfulness skills to make the path easier.
We can slow ourselves down, take time to notice what’s happening in our bodies, what’s happening for our partners, and what’s happening between us. We can keep grounding ourselves in the here-and-now and then lean in a little further. Over time, our capacity to be emotionally present with our partners will expand and our fears subside.
An Act Of Love
Opening up with our partners and letting them see us in our entirety, is an act of love. As Brené Brown points out, “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known.”[i] We honor ourselves and our loved ones. We create the kinds of relationships with our partners we were meant to have. We become the people we were meant to be. We leave the past behind and come more fully into the present.
Case Study: Paula
Paula told me about an experience she had with her husband and what she later discovered about herself by leaning into her fear and being open to what her fear had to tell her.
Together, we worked at disentangling her feelings, first attending to the scared child inside of her, and then giving her anger, which was at the root of her distress, some room to be felt, moved through, and reclaimed.
We then stopped to reflect on Paula’s process and what she’d learned through the work she was doing. As we looked back on the interaction she had with her husband and what happened for her emotionally, I asked Paula a reflective question, “What do you see now that you didn’t see before?”
Paula sat quietly for a moment, thinking, and then said, “Well, I see now that I got triggered when Ivan and I were talking. It made me angry when he was going on about himself and wasn’t hearing me. But, I’m seeing now just how much my anger kind of freaks me out and how hard it is for me to accept it. I mean, I get worried that something bad might happen if I push for what I want. I feel guilty, like I’m asking for too much, and then I start to question myself. Even though I know, on some level, I’m not being unreasonable.
But, in the moment, I get anxious and drop it. Or, at least, I try to. I mean, my anger doesn’t really go away. I still feel frustrated about the whole thing. I still want something different for us. I just end up feeling resentful.”
In her response, Paula captures so much. She just described her triangle-based relationship with her feelings. When her anger starts to emerge along with her desire to assert herself (the “Feelings” corner of the triangle), it’s scary to her and she gets anxious (the “Anxiety” corner). In response to her distress, she tries to make the feelings go away. She feels conflicted, questions herself, rationalizes Ivan’s behavior, and then tries to let it go (the “Defense” corner).
There are glimmers of Paula’s truth all throughout her story. It showed up when she felt distance in her relationship with her husband and wanted to address it. It was there when she leaned in and tried to talk with him. It was in the anger she felt when her needs weren’t being heard, valued, and respected, both by Ivan, and when she was a little girl with her mother. And it was there when she felt motivated to make another attempt to express her feelings and needs to her husband and to find a productive way forward. On some level, she heard it, but her old wiring kept her from trusting and honoring it.
It wasn’t easy at first, but, slowly, over time, Paula found the courage to honor the truth of her emotional experience and let it guide her. She found the courage to lean in and share more of herself with Ivan. In the doing, her truth became clearer, her sense of self felt stronger, and her connection with Ivan grew more secure. That’s what she wanted for herself. That’s what she wanted for her relationship.
You can do the same. And, like Paula, you don’t have to do it all at once. That’s not a requirement, nor is it a reasonable expectation. Stretching into the fullness of our being and sharing it with others is a process. So, be gentle with yourself. Start slow and take it one step at a time. Over time, your capacity to be more open will increase and your anxiety will lessen. You’ll feel freer to stand in your truth and connect more deeply with those you love.
