This is the eighteenth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
You can view the entire series here.
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Imagine standing on a dark stage, a bright spotlight above you illuminating a circle of light on the floor. If you stand inside the circle, you’re saturated with the light, and it’s difficult to see. But if you step outside the sphere of light, you can get a better look at it. You’re able to observe and describe it while not being blinded by it.
This is what happens when we reflect on our emotional experience. We’re able to step to the side, see more accurately what’s happening in the moment, and avoid being overwhelmed by it.
The Importance of Reflection
Reflecting on our experiences helps us appreciate the magnitude of what we’ve done more deeply. We see evidence that we’re facing our fears and trying to turn things around. We’re freeing ourselves up to have a better life.
Reflection also allows us to more fully assimilate new experiences into our sense of self. And when we stop to acknowledge our progress, it makes us feel good.
Reflection and the Functioning of the Brain
In terms of the way our brain works, reflection gets the “making sense” function of the left brain involved in our process. And it’s this side of the brain that helps us understand and make sense of our experiences.
For instance, as we reflect on things we’ve done, we might think to ourselves, I was so afraid of my feelings and was doing all these things to avoid them. But when I slowed myself down and stayed present with them, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’m learning that I can do this, that I can handle my feelings.
Reflecting on our experience in this way actually brings right-brain (emotional experience) and left-brain (understanding) processes together and facilitates the development of new neural connections. In short, it helps rewire our brain.
The Benefits of Reflecting
Reflecting on our experience has numerous benefits:
- Reintegrates our core feelings, needs, and desires back into our emotional repertoire
- Shows us more precisely how the working models of our past have been controlling our present relationship experience
- Enables us to better recognize emotionally vulnerable spots inside us that make us susceptible to getting triggered
- Helps us understand more clearly what’s been thwarting our development and relationship success
- Furthers our emotional healing
How to Get Your Reflective Juices Flowing
Something to try:
- Find a quiet place to reflect on a new experience. Think about an emotionally charged interaction you had with your partner, family member, or friend, in which you tried to recognize when you were triggered, and noticed the point at which you tried to put your defenses aside.
- Let yourself step back and view this interaction in its entirety.
- As you stay mindful of your emotional experience, consider the following questions:
What do you see that you didn’t see before?
What have you learned about yourself and your emotional dynamics?
Do you now understand why you got triggered?
What’s your point of vulnerability that sets your early programming in motion?
Are there aspects of your experience that you aren’t happy to feel, show or share?
How did your past show up in your present?
Reflecting on the Reflection Exercise
What was the exercise like for you? Were there any surprises?
Perhaps you found the questions easy to answer, or maybe some of them felt challenging. If an answer to any of the questions didn’t readily come to you, that’s okay. Being able to reflect on intense emotional experiences can take some time to develop.
Just allow the questions to linger in your mind and remain open. Bits and pieces will emerge over time and the picture will flesh out and become clearer.
As you were reflecting on your experience, did any feelings come up for you? Perhaps you felt frustrated or sad as you saw more clearly how your true self had been held back or compromised.
Maybe you felt bad for reacting to a certain situation in the way you did. Or you might have felt vulnerable, a bit exposed, or unsure of what comes next. You could also have felt relieved or hopeful that your understanding of yourself is growing. It’s possible that you felt pride in yourself at the work you’re doing to turn things around in your life.
These feelings are all part of your healing process. They’re a sign that you’re deeply engaged. That you’re honoring your truth and really taking it in. That you care about yourself and you care about your partner. Let the feelings come. Feel your way through them. Allow your experience to be rich and full. The work you’re doing is taking you to a better, more integrated place.
