This is the nineteenth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.

You can view the entire series here.

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There’s pressure to be happy during the holiday season. It’s the time of year when many of us are expected to join friends and family to celebrate. But what if we’re not feeling in the mood to socialize or party?

 It’s common to feel down at this time of year. We imagine that everyone else is out having fun, but that’s simply not the case. For many, the holidays can bring up feelings of pain and loss. We are reminded of painful childhood experiences, conflict with or estrangement from family, and loss of loved ones.   

It’s understandable that sad feelings may arise, despite many reasons to also be grateful. We need to try to accept what we’re feeling, not fight it, so that our feelings can be processed and move through us. So that we can make room for other aspects of our experience.  

If we can work through the holiday sadness we feel, we can lighten the burden we feel and turn our negative feelings and experiences into something more positive.

Symptoms of Sadness
Sadness takes many forms, from feelings of disappointment if, say, we don’t win the lottery jackpot, through to full blown grief at the loss of a loved one.

We all experience our feelings a little differently. But while one person’s experience of sadness might be different from another’s, there are particular sensations and bodily reactions that frequently accompany sadness for all of us. We’ve all heard of the phrases “I’ve got a lump in my throat” and “I’m all choked up,” our throat being somewhere we commonly feel sadness. But there are other symptoms we can experience in relation to this powerful emotion: 

 Eyelids grow heavy

  • Eyes become moist or teary 
  • Chest feels achy or tight 
  • Shoulders slouch 

The Problem With Suppressing Sadness
It’s common for people to attempt to suppress feelings of sadness. Ways we typically do this include:

    • Dismissing it
    • Distracting ourselves
    • Minimizing the impact of the situation 

When sadness starts to rise up inside us, we may do all we can to try to keep it down, such as change the subject, look away, or make light of the matter. Although there are moments when it’s reasonable to respond in this way—for example, when we’re at work or out socializing, we might wait until we get home to let our feelings out—such strategies are problematic, especially when we’re unaware of what we’re doing. Most often, our defenses become so ingrained that they kick in unconsciously and leave us powerless to do things differently.

We may get to the stage of fearing sadness or avoiding situations that could potentially cause us to experience it. Often, this is because:

  • We don’t want to cry in front of anyone, so we hold back the tears 
  • We’re afraid of being or seeming vulnerable, and don’t want to appear weak, so we act as if we’re unaffected 
  • We worry that we won’t be able to stop crying, that we’ll lose control or go crazy 

But here’s the problem with suppressing or avoiding sadness: when we do this, all our feelings are affected. Our feelings of sadness can actively impact our experience of love. Our discomfort with anger affects our experience of joy. And so on, and so on. 

Roots in Past Experiences
The way we react to sadness is rooted in childhood experiences. If, when we were young, our caregivers responded with irritation or disdain when we cried, over time we learnt to suppress feelings like sadness, because otherwise we felt threatened that we might lose those upon whom we depend. We learnt that feeling sadness is bad and brings criticism or potentially leads to abandonment.

Contrast this with a child whose caregivers responded to their sadness with empathy and concern. The child feels seen and cared for and learns that it’s helpful to express their emotions as it brings the comfort they need. They can trust their caregivers to lovingly be there for them.

If our caregivers’ reaction to sadness (whether positive or negative) is repeated, the stronger the associations and related neural pathways become. Eventually, feelings of either safety or fear become embedded in our brain’s circuitry in response to our feelings. 

Moving Through These Feelings
When we experience grief and sadness we need to slow down and take time to listen and attend to whatever is making us sad—whether it’s loss, disappointment, or pain. We should honor what’s there for us–cry if we feel like crying, talk about our pain, and seek support and solace from others. We should do whatever we need to do to take care of ourselves to help us move through it.   

Denying our feelings only perpetuates our suffering. We end up feeling sad all the time. The feelings that our wants and needs generate keep coming back until we heed their call and do something to address them.  

Responding to our needs and wants may mean going against the grain of the societal messages we have absorbed, the lessons we learned in our families, or the critical voice we hear in our head. But it’s the only way to get back to an authentic connection with ourselves and others.  

Learning From Sadness
Our sadness is telling us something. Maybe there are unprocessed feelings from the past needing attention. Maybe we need to take time to grieve, slow down, turn inward, and give our feelings a chance to move through us. When we do, we come to see that, with time, sadness actually brings us healing.  

Sharing Our Sadness

We often worry that giving way to sadness will make matters worse, that we’ll miss whatever we’ve lost even more. But actually the opposite is true. Grief, particularly when it’s shared, leads to comfort and healing, sometimes even happiness. It clears away the dark clouds of pain so that we’re able to see and more readily connect with the warm, loving feelings and memories that are inside us.  

Something to Try

Remember a situation in which you experienced a loss of some kind. Maybe the death of a loved one, a relationship ending, or someone close to you disappointing you in some way. Or imagine someone you love suffering, having to put down a beloved pet, saying goodbye to a close friend before you move away. 

How does your body react? What do you notice physically? What’s happening to your head, face, neck, shoulders, back, chest, arms, stomach, legs, everywhere? Notice areas of tightness, tingling and discomfort. Notice also where energy stops and where it flows. Where you feel warm and cold.  

Just observe whatever you experience. Don’t try to change anything.

When you’re done, take a deep breath and let it go. Shake off the experience. Feel it leave your body. Feel yourself come back to center. 

As you reflect on your experience, see if any feelings come up for you. Write down the physical sensations you observe. 

These feelings are all part of your healing process. They’re a sign that you’re deeply engaged. That you’re honoring your truth and really taking it in. Let the feelings come. Feel your way through them. Allow your experience to be rich. They’re taking you to a better, more integrated place. Perhaps you’ll find that you also have room for some joy.