This is the fifteenth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.

In part 14 we explored N for Naming and you can read the article here.

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For many of us, the prospect of opening up more deeply to others seems scary. But, as with many things in life, doing something you haven’t tried before can be a frightening prospect. But with practice, opening up can not only become less threatening, it can also become something you benefit from and even actually enjoy doing.

What is Meant By ‘Opening Up’?
Opening up is something very different to expressing how we feel by getting our feelings off our chest or out of our system. Unlike venting our frustration or anger, opening up entails verbally sharing with another what we’re feeling inside and what we want and need.

The main objective of opening up is to express ourselves in a manner that is respectful both of ourselves and to whom we are opening up.

Even with preparation, this can feel scary. After all, it’s bringing us face-to-face with our fear that expressing our feelings to another will evoke a negative reaction from them and jeopardize the security of our relationship.

But truthfully communicating our feelings is often just what we need to put our fears to rest.

Understanding and Overcoming the Fear of Opening Up
People come to me feeling frustrated and confused. They don’t understand why it’s so difficult for them to open up emotionally. They want to let others know how they feel, but they can’t bring themselves to do it. It’s too scary for them.

Most of us think that this fear is specific to our current situation, but it actually originates in an early interpersonal context where the threat of reprimand or abandonment was a reality. Early experiences with our caregivers have led us to fear not only our emotions but also the consequences of expressing them. On some level, we’re still afraid that sharing our feelings will threaten our relationships— so we hold them back.

Part of what makes sharing our feelings such a scary prospect is that we’re just not sure how to go about it. We don’t know where to begin. We’re unclear about what we want or need. We’re not sure how best to communicate what’s in our heart.

It’s no wonder that we’re confused and not sure what to do. Our avoidance has kept us from developing the skills needed to understand and effectively share our feelings. But we can learn.

We need to understand our feelings ourselves before we can hope to communicate them effectively to another.

To do this, we need to take time to slow down and mindfully attune to our feelings. By doing this, we discover their inherent wisdom. If we listen closely to what our feelings are saying, it’s surprising just how much they tell us. Like a wise sage, they:

  • Impart information
  • Provide insight
  • Give guidance

More often than not, our feelings are meant to be shared and not just experienced ourselves. By getting in touch with your feelings, you’ll discover that they can also move you to want to open up and reveal them.

However, many of us aren’t exactly sure how to express what we’re feeling in a way that will maximize our chances of being heard and yield the best results.

Opening up to emotional experience is a process. It can’t happen overnight. But with practice and awareness, we can learn to tame our fears, calm our body, and connect with our true feelings.

Case Study
I’ve helped many people who’ve felt stuck, alone, and despairing, but who found the courage to face their fears and took the risk to open up to their feelings and share them with others.

Doing so led them to experience positive changes they never imagined possible. The same can happen for you.

Alex was afraid to mourn his dead parents. He worried that opening up to his feelings would cause himself to wallow in them.

When Alex told me about his worries, I seized the opportunity to address the common misperception that feelings are never-ending – a typical defense against sadness.

I explained to him that, “All feelings have a natural flow to them. Like a wave, they rise up, crescendo then dissipate. When feelings are fully felt, they really don’t last very long—sometimes minutes, sometimes only seconds.”

“Really?” Alex looked at me with some disbelief, but I could see the wheels turning.

I told him, “It’s only when the natural flow of our feelings is thwarted—often by fear, anxiety, or depression, when we get defensive, or when we don’t have the support we might need to face something overwhelming—that we become caught in this in-between place, not going fully in one direction or another. Really feeling our emotions is what puts an end to wallowing and allows us to move forward.”

He nodded with recognition, and tears came to his eyes, a sign that he was beginning to allow his feelings to run their natural course.

Over time, Alex opened up to the feelings inside him and allowed himself to begin to grieve. He also took the risk to share his feelings with his wife which, at first, felt overwhelming but ultimately felt relieving and beneficial. Alex felt less alone with his experience and closer to his wife.

The Benefits of Opening Up
Opening ourselves up to emotional experience:

  • Increases our vitality
  • Brings us a sense of clarity and meaning
  • Connects us to a deeper, fuller experience of ourselves
  • Empowers us to face and master the things we fear or are avoiding

Problems Caused by Not Opening Up
Reluctance to disclose our true feelings can hurt our relationships. Not telling a loved one when we’re hurt by something he or she did or didn’t do. Stewing in or dismissing our anger, hoping it will disappear over time. Putting on an act of strength or aloofness, instead of admitting we’re afraid. Getting defensive—blaming and criticizing, shutting down, pulling away—hiding what’s really going on inside. We do whatever it takes to avoid exposing our vulnerability, because we are afraid that we’ll be met with criticism or rejection or will seem foolish and undesirable. Afraid we’ll lose whatever connection we have.

You Can Change
Just as our fear of our feelings is based on old programming and can be changed, so too can our fear of how others will react to us when we open up. We just need to find a way to face our fear and be confident that we can deal with the consequences of expressing our feelings. With practice, you’ll come to appreciate the importance of your feelings, and you’ll come to realize that most people can handle when we open up to them, with many appreciating our honesty.

The people with whom we choose to share our feelings play a critical role in our experience of opening up. If they aren’t ready or able to stay present or to receive and respond to our feelings in a constructive way, we’re not going to get very far. Sometimes sharing our feelings only makes matters worse.

But so many clients of mine are surprised by how well it goes when they’ve taken the risk to open up with someone in their lives. They discover that they’re able to stay present and see it through, and that it’s not as scary as they had thought it would be. And, equally important, they discover that the other person is able to stay present and see it through as well. In short, they discover a new way of relating.

Of course, sometimes opening up doesn’t go as smoothly as we’d like. After all, relationships are complex, and we can’t control the outcome of every interaction. But we can learn to maximize the likelihood that our feelings will be heard and responded to positively. We can improve our ability to stay present and can learn and grow from the challenges we face.

The first step is to be willing to open up and find out what’s possible.

Something to Try

Mindful Communication Tips
When opening up and sharing your feelings, practice the following:

  • Feel yourself grounded in your body. Notice your feet against the floor, your seat against the chair. Bring your attention back to this place when you start to feel anxious.
  • Speak slowly and allow yourself to stay connected to your words. Pause and reflect on what you’re saying and try to feel the words coming from a centered place inside you.
  • Without judgment, observe what’s happening in the moment, what’s coming up for you, what’s transpiring between you and the other person, how the other person is responding. Just notice.
  • Let yourself make eye contact. Notice what you see in the other person’s eyes. If you’re not sure what he or she is feeling, ask for clarification.
  • Slowing ourselves down and mindfully attending to the present moment can make opening up more manageable. Over time, you will feel less anxious and more adept at expressing yourself. Change will happen the more you lean in and open up.