This is the twenty-third in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
You can view the entire series here.
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Most of us can find ourselves wallowing at some point in our lives. Replaying the same negative thoughts over and over in our minds, or revisiting the same feelings of pain or grief again and again.
Wallowing is a word that conjures images of hopelessness and despair, of being stuck in quicksand, feeling sad and defeated and lacking the motivation, desire or direction to do anything to change or improve our situation. In this sense, it’s a form of giving up which can often lead to loss of motivation and self-respect.
Because it focuses on our felt experience, wallowing might seem like we’re feeling our feelings, but the reality is that when we’re brooding, we’re often resisting the natural flow of our emotions, and actually making things worse.
Also known as ruminating, wallowing is a pattern of thinking and feeling that draws us into a loop of emotional negativity that prevents us from feeling our feelings all the way through to their natural conclusion.
Why wallowing can be worrying
Feelings, when dealt with in a healthy way, should make things better, not worse. But wallowing doesn’t get us anywhere. It seems never ending, something we can’t escape from, because it involves analyzing and judging our emotions, rather than accepting them and letting them run their course.
Wallowing is proof that while opening up to and staying with our thoughts and emotions is a good thing, doing so with a negative mindset has the opposite effect. It does not serve us to keep asking ourselves questions like, ‘Why do bad things always happen to me?’ or, ‘ Why does it feel like things are never going to get better?’ or, ‘How come things never work out well for me?’
This pervading negativity explains why some people worry that opening up to their feelings may cause them to wallow in them. That they will forget the alternative ways to feel, or be unable to find a way out of their predicament. Or that they simply don’t know the best way to work with their feelings.
All feelings have a natural flow
Opening up to our feelings need not lead to wallowing if we let our emotions flow naturally, and if we get out of their way. That’s because all feelings have a natural flow to them – they rise up, crescendo and then dissipate like waves.
When our feelings are fully felt they don’t last longer than a few minutes, and can even be as fleeting as a few seconds. It’s only when this natural flow is interrupted, often by anxiety, depression or fear, or when we get defensive, or when we don’t feel we have the support we need to face something that’s overwhelming, that we become trapped in this place. Interrupting the flow leaves us stuck, not moving fully in one direction or another.
Really feeling our emotions from start to finish puts an end to wallowing and allows us to move forward. Accepting negative thoughts or uncomfortable bodily sensations and letting them pass naturally like clouds crossing a blue sky or a twig flowing along a stream will reaffirm their temporary nature. By practicing this acceptance, we soon learn to acknowledge our thoughts and feelings. And instead of dwelling on them or brooding over them, if we let our feelings run their course we will find ourselves in a more positive place.
If you find yourself stuck in a particular feeling, practice getting curious and seeing what happens when you try to just allow for your emotional experience. Do you start questioning yourself? Do you resist the feeling or become conflicted? Do you do a number on yourself for having the feeling in the first place? When you catch yourself getting tripped up in these ways, bring yourself back to your experience. Practice surfing the feeling and allowing it to run its course. Listen for what your feelings are telling you and see you where you go from there.
