This is the sixteenth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
In part 15 we explored O for Opening Up and you can read the article here.
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The purpose of pausing, whether it’s for a second, a minute, a moment, or longer, is to give ourselves time.
Time to better respond to events, not react to them. Time to reflect on our situation and to consider a broader range of options. To access the wisdom that comes with being in touch with our core self. Time to choose a course of action that is more aligned with our intentions and values.
In addition, pausing allows us to disengage from the busyness of our life, and make some room to address, experience, and share our feelings.
The Benefits of Pausing
Whether we are self-reflecting, examining, or contemplating, pausing is the fuel that powers our continued healing and growth.
Giving ourselves time to reflect on our experience has numerous benefits:
Reintegration of Feelings and Needs
By stepping back and looking at what feelings got activated, and thoughtfully considering what we’ve discovered by being with them, pausing to reflect helps us begin to reintegrate core feelings, needs, and desires back into our emotional repertoire.
We come to see more precisely how the working models of our past have been controlling our present experience and limiting our range of options. We’re better able to recognize emotional vulnerable spots inside us that make us susceptible to getting triggered, and we come to understand more clearly what’s been thwarting our development and relationship success.
Accessing Information and Wisdom
By finding the courage to be present with ourselves, by accepting and reclaiming the feelings, needs, and desires that we’ve been avoiding, we gain access to a wellspring of information.
Pausing helps us further appreciate and understand our core emotional experience and more clearly hear the wisdom that comes from being in touch with our true self. We can then consider a more informed course of action that helps us get to a better place in our relationships.
Further Emotional Healing
Pausing to reflect on our experience furthers our emotional healing. As we reintegrate previously disowned aspects of ourselves, new feelings can arise. For instance, we may grieve for the self that wasn’t allowed to be, for all the time we’ve been held back from realizing our full potential. We may feel angry on our own behalf, that our early conditioning kept us from having the kind of relationships we might have had.
More Time to Decide
At times, we need to give ourselves room to pause, reflect, and figure out what we want to do. By stopping momentarily, we give ourselves that space. A chance to decide if we want to choose a new path instead of going with the old, familiar way of doing things.
More Space to Notice
Pausing gives us the space to notice what’s going on for us. Noticing when and where we feel constricted, where energy stops and where it flows. Noticing when our face heats up, our chest aches or expands, our breathing changes, our arms tingle, our legs tremble. Noticing how we react to our experience—noticing whatever is there and seeing what happens.
How Long Should We Pause?
Just how much time we may need to stop and collect ourselves depends on what’s going on for us emotionally. Sometimes we just need a brief moment to calm our internal activation and get centered. We can pause, ground ourselves, take a deep breath and let it out slowly, whatever we need to do to calm our distress, and then gradually make our way back into the conversation.
But sometimes, we may need a bit longer. We may need to take more time to thoroughly attend to whatever has gotten us emotionally stirred up. When we’re clearer and have separated out what’s past from what’s present and are feeling more balanced, we can return to the conversation.
Share Your Intention to Pause
Whether we pause briefly or take an extended time out, it’s best to let our partners know what’s happening for us and that we need to stop. Generally, it’s not a good idea to prematurely “exit” a discussion with our partners without offering an explanation for our actions. Doing so would likely be provocative to them and only make matters worse, especially if they’re also feeling activated.
We can avoid creating any unnecessary distress by letting our partners know where we’re at. We can tell them that we just need a moment. We can explain that we’re feeling triggered or overwhelmed and need to take a break. We should also assure them that we’re not dropping the conversation, that we intend to come back to it when we’re feeling more centered and can re-engage in a constructive manner, one that’s better for our relationship.
By bringing mindfulness to bear on the moment, we can recognize what’s happening for our partners, and for ourselves, and rein-in our defensive response. We can pause to calm ourselves and consult with the voice of wisdom inside of us.
We can acknowledge what’s happening for our partners and suggest slowing down. We can say, “It seems as though you may be having a reaction. Let’s just slow down and take our time.”
We can also express the empathy we feel, by saying something along the lines of, “I sense that you’re feeling afraid right now (or anxious, hurt, vulnerable, etc.) and I feel for you. I want to help. I want to support you.”
Working pauses like this into our conversations can give us both space to be reflective and come back to center. We can also give our partners some time if they need it before proceeding. In addition, we can talk to them in a calm, soft voice, and slow down our rate of speech as doing so can be calming for their nervous system as well.
The next time you are triggered, try the power of the pause. With practice, it can give you the space you need to reassess your situation and find a better way forward.
