This is the fifth in a series of articles where I take a look at key words and phrases that play an important role in the work I do, helping people discover ways to live and love like they mean it.
Last month we explored D for Defenses, and you can read the article here.
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Emotional Mindfulness forms the foundation of the work I do. I introduced a self-help approach to the concept in my book, Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want, in 2009. Since then, several studies in which people read about and practiced tools to develop Emotional Mindfulness, found it to be an effective treatment for anxiety, depression, and social anxiety. So there’s proof that cultivating the skills of Emotional Mindfulness alleviates distress, optimizes functioning, and improves overall mental health.
The concept
Emotional Mindfulness, as the phrase implies, is mindfulness with a particular emphasis on our emotional experience. It’s not about achieving some detached way of being. It’s about finding a healthy balance between experiencing and observing what’s happening for us without being pulled too far in any one direction. It’s about getting different regions of our brain — the emotional part and the thinking part — to work together.
By applying the basic principles of mindfulness — non judgemental, moment-to-moment awareness — to our emotional experience, we become more consciously aware of and present with our feelings and, thus, are in a better position to make good use of our feelings — both with ourselves and with others.
When we are mindful, we are more integrated. We can both feel and see more clearly what we’re experiencing and how we’re habitually inclined to react. We can more readily recognize when we’ve been triggered and manage our experience without being forced to play out conditioned patterns of responding that are no longer helpful to us.
While our early relational wiring is evident in the ways in which we respond to our feelings, the whole process is largely unconscious. We don’t realize what’s going on inside of us — that we’re having feelings and responding to them in unhelpful ways. We don’t realize that we’ve been triggered and that the mental models for dealing with our emotions in our relationships have taken over. But, we need to. And the way to do that is by attending to our emotional experience.
A 4-step approach
My 4-step approach to Emotional Mindfulness is well documented in my books and other articles. It entails learning to recognize when you’ve been triggered, turning your attention to what’s happening inside of you, pausing and reflecting on your options and the actions you can take, and then staying centered and present as you learn how to manage the anxiety that comes with opening up in a new and different way.
The Importance of Practice
Practicing the skills of Emotional Mindfulness changes the way our brain operates and can free us from old habits and fears, allowing us to develop new ways of relating.
Rather than suppressing or acting out, we can find a balanced way of being with our experience in which we can abide by and work with what’s inside of us.
Practice serves as an antidote to our struggles, helping us to more readily see and shift the emotional dynamics that have been unconsciously governing our behavior. It grows our awareness of our feelings and increases our capacity to work constructively with them. In turn, we’re better able to regulate our distress and objectively see and respond to what’s happening within us and before us. And, when we approach our practice with a healthy dose of kindness and compassion toward ourselves, it makes it easier for us to deal with whatever we may encounter.
As with most things in life, the more you practice Emotional Mindfulness, the better your abilities become. Some people find that developing a daily meditation practice helps them to more readily grow their mindfulness skills. But while this is helpful and highly recommended, it isn’t the only way. Practicing emotional mindfulness can be done anytime and anywhere. In fact, research shows that repeated experiences in small doses build strong neural pathways in our brain. With a little intention and skill, we can take a few minutes throughout our day to build and strengthen our Emotional Mindfulness circuitry. All we need to do is bring our attention to our felt experience and be with it, over and over again.
Something to try
To become more emotionally mindful, you start by slowing down, going inward and just noticing what’s happening inside of you. The key to awareness of our emotions is rooted in our bodily experience. You don’t have to set aside a great deal of time every day to make it happen. It can be done anytime, any place. You just need to stop for a moment and check in with yourself.
Zoom in on your felt experience. Notice what you’re feeling in your body, how it’s reacting, what it wants to do.
Scan your body and see what you feel. Notice any sensations in your neck, chest, arms, legs and elsewhere, and listen to them. Listen to what they are trying to convey.
Make space for your felt experience and see where it takes you.
Later, reflect on your experience and explore what it was like for you, where it came from and where it brought you.
As you consider your experience, let it make sense of yourself and let meaning emerge organically.
Practice turning inward and paying attention to your experience throughout your day, little and often, and your awareness of, connection with, and capacity to be present to your experience is sure to grow.